Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.