Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀