You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.