My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.