Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??