My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends