This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.