It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.