Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”