“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.