When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Does your wife know you’re single?
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.