Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane