Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”