1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.