Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.