Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..