Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!