No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist