Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.