I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”