Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
i was baptized in a car wash
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.