This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.