“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.