here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.