Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.