My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.