I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.