Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married