Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks