GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.