Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees