Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.