There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.