You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.