Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?