Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.