I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.