I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.