*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.