Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?