I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.