Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?