When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I told my vodka about you.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise