I told my vodka about you.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?