“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.