Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.