Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.