im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck