I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP