Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?